Bonjour Royal Friends!    

Here’s a little secret you might not know.  Even the happiest of happy princesses has bad tiara hair days.  I don’t mean bad hair in the literal sense, as tiaras hide a myriad of sins, but days when she wants to take a deep dive under the blankees with her biggest, softest, fluffiest Pooh bear and not resurface ‘til Punxsutawney Phil predicts an early spring.

That’s why I’m bringing you these eight tips to help you calm yourself when you need a quick fix.

I can hear you all tittering, “She said Poo, she said Poo!” Now that we’ve gotten that childishness out of the way, I want to talk about what to do when your world gets a wee bit a’kilter. I don’t mean a’kilter in the Scottish sense, in which case you could merely skirt the issues. But then that’s not Scottish, that’s skittish.

Let me proffer a couple of very common examples. Say some mega-rich narcissist beat you to the last vacancy at the only stable suitable for your precious polo pony. You know, the stable that streams Animal Planet in the stalls and serves afternoon “hay” tea.  Being unable to use your stable would in and of itself be cause for a meltdown, but did I mention that you are temporarily boarding said pony in your guest wing? Did I mention said guest wing has white marble floors imported from Italy? Did I mention said horse is lactose intolerant and suffers from colitis?

Another example. Perhaps that Rent-A-Runway  jewel-encrusted tent dress you ordered for the gala you are hosting… actually arrived…as a tent!  That, too, in and of itself would be cause for a meltdown, but did I mention, the gala’s tonight? Did I mention every other ball gown you own is stored in a vault, and your lactose intolerant pony ate the paper with the combination on it? And tonight is his colitis shift.

This kind of stuff can really twist a princess into knots like a Philadelphia soft pretzel without mustard! That is when having some kind of calming trick that doesn’t involve pills or a bottle can really come in handy dandy. You got ’em!

Here are eight fun tips to try when you need to calm yourself down…really quick.  Matter of fact, these eight tips are designed to self-soothe in ten minutes or less. Okay, fewer. Here they are, in random order of efficacy. 

1. ALLOW YOURSELF A 10 MINUTE PITY PARTY – The reason this one is so fabulous, is that it has the word “party” in it. And it also allows you to feel really sorry for yourself, which is something that is totally underrated as a success strategy. Not really, but that’s why you only gotz 10 minutes. 

2.GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO PIG OUT ON YOUR FAVORITE DELECTABLES – The reason this one is so fabulous, is that you get to pig out,  but only what you can devour within ten minutes. So really, how much damage can you do? This tip does not envision using anything that involves a funnel with a tube attached to it. Also excluded from this tip are Nathan’s hotdog eating champions. 

3.PET A FURRY DOMESTICATED ANIMAL – I love this one because not only do you get to calm down really quickly, but it’s good for the animal too. This only works if the animal you choose is not having a bad tiara hair day too. This can be a bit tricky, as one must learn to read the signs. Here’s a clue. If you can see the full length of their teeth, said teeth seem unusually long, and this display of ivory acompanies a low motor-like sound, don’t assume the beast is smiling at you.  

4.CLEAN OUT THE CLOSETS & DONATE STUFF THAT DOESN’T FIT ANYMORE –I really, really love this one! This works so well because you get the calming effect of purging your stuff, but because of the ten-minute set up, you  don’t have time to get rid of hardly anything! How awseome is that! #crammedclosetsrule! #Ilovemystuff #MarieKondostressesmeout.

5.RE-READ A CHILDHOOD FAIRY TALE TO YOURSELF – I love fairy tales as they evoke happy childhood memories. And of course, they are very soothing, which was the whole point, as parents were pulling their hair out trying to get their kid to sleep. Caveat.This self-soothing practice only works if the fairy tale doesn’t have sad and scary stuff in in it,  like in Bambi, Hansel and Gretel, Rumpelstiltskin, or the original demented versions of lots and lots of fairy tales. These would require you have on hand a box of tissues and the phone number of a trauma specialist. 

6.ARRANGE HOUSEPLANTS, WILDFLOWERS OR WINTERGREENS AROUND YOUR ABODE – I adore plants. These happy green leafy friends bring a feeling of life anywhere they reside and flourish. I suggest if you don’t have any plants, next time you go to the supermarket, don’t pass the aisle where they sell plants and flowers. If you have no greens and you are in a jam, if you have any green vegetables around the house, take them and stick them in some water and pretend they are plants. Broccoli is really good for this. Or carrot tops. Or avacado pits. There isn’t a plant on earth that won’t help create a soothing atmostphere that will enhance your life. Venus Flytraps are the exception, unless you have a fly problem. It’s always about the balance.

7.DO AN EASY CHILD’S PUZZLE – Who doesn’t like a fun puzzle, especially one that isn’t challanging! Facing something challanging when you are in a funked out mood is just plain old frustrating. Not only is the task of putting puzzle pieces together soothing and distracting, but you will actually get to finish something you started and feel like a frigg’in genius while doing it! Caution: do not choose this tip if there there is an actual child in the house, because odds are said child can do said puzzle a lot faster than you can. Like a lot faster.  And that could be depressing. 

8. SING 99 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, BUT ONLY GO DOWN TO 59. I timed it. 59 takes about ten minutes, if you don’t rush.The great thing about this one is that it can be done with a friend. And spending time with a friend is always good for the soul. So is the calming effect the song, or the friendship? Does it matter? Go in peace, princess!

I hope these little tips help you to debunk your funk!  

TA TA FOR NOW (TTFN)