Three Keys to Conquer Fear & Cultivate a Positive Mindset If You Face a Challenging Illness

Bonjour Royal friends!

Welcome to my blog, a ‘tongue-in-chic’ happiness lifestyle guide from a funny princess point of view!

Today I’d like to talk to you about three keys to conquer fear and cultivate a positive mindset if you face a challenging illness. I developed-and used-these three keys to stay positive when I faced the daunting diagnosis of breast cancer.

I love when someone gives me keys. Keys on how to make vegetarian meals that meat eaters will love. Keys on how to craft a fresh cup of coffee where you can actually smell the beans brewing. (Anyone?) And yes, even keys on how to polish my tiara without getting the diamonds dirty. 

But when my surgeon gave me a positive diagnosis of breast cancer, I couldn’t find any keys on how to stay positive in the tsunami of terror when facing , and weathering, a double mastectomy, months of chemotherapy (including the dreaded “Red Devil” that makes your pee look like blood), total baldness, months of radiation, reconstructive surgery, and the pièce de résistance, nipple tattoos.  At least by that time there was a professional female makeup artist who was doing them instead of the strip mall tattoo guy that all the breast cancer warriors were going to. And he had a waiting list!

Let’s be honest—the irony isn’t lost on me that a diagnosis like this could be associated with the word “positive.” But I’ve learned that there is light at the end of the tunnel, in the tunnel, and even before the tunnel—if you can adjust your thinking (and add a little royal flair along the way).

I made it my mission to find some “how to” keys for positivity while I navigated such a formidable illness. 

The very first thing I struggled with when the docs made my positive breast cancer diagnosis was figuring out where to put my mind. I was frightened, upset, disoriented, sad, overwhelmed, and I couldn’t seem to think straight. I’m trained as an attorney; not being able to think straight was a weird mental space for me. Which reminded me what a brilliant man once told me about thinking; he said he doesn’t like to think too much, because when he does, he goes behind enemy lines. 

But I’m not usually in enemy territory. I am by nature a happy person. I’ve been told I have a “sunny disposition.” I call myself a non-recovering laughaholic. I didn’t want that to change. I was terrified it would.

My dear father used to joke that “everything in life is mind over matter. I don’t mind and it don’t matter.” This time, however, things really did matter. I knew that the key to mentally surviving this ordeal was to find a way to change my perspective about what was happening to me from something negative to something positive. I might still mind, it might still matter, but in my mind, I was going to have to “give a shift.”

KEY ONE: Give Yourself Permission to Be Happy 

I realized that even though I was given a life-threatening diagnosis of cancer, if I let cancer steal my joy, then I’d be dying while I was still alive—and I didn’t want to die while I was still alive!  But if I lost my happiness mojo, that’s exactly what would have happened.  

I told myself that I’m allowed to be happy! I’m allowed to laugh. I’m still alive, and while I’m still alive, I’m going to be alive! I returned to this thought many times through my breast cancer journey. It always helped me when fear gripped my innards and twisted me inside out. I won’t let cancer steal my joy. 

But you say Princess Diane von Brainsifried, how can I be happy when no-one can give me a guarantee that I’m safe or that I will be cured? That’s what I was thinking and that’s what I was looking for! A guarantee that I was going to be okay. But then it dawned on me that in asking the universe (and the doctors) for a guarantee that I would live, I was asking for something that didn’t exist…not for anyone! Noone has a lockdown on tomorrow. Life doesn’t come with guarantees for anyone. A rogue banana peel flicked onto the sidewalk, a glamorous elephant stampede on a so-called safe safari, an errant branch from an existentially confused tree—there are a thousand ways to check out unexpectedly.  Guarantees are April Fools. 

I finally realized that, even with my diagnosis, I still had everything everyone else had: this moment. Nothing less, nothing more. Wait, I had more! I had a new reality that had seeped into my head and my heart. I understood on a new and profound level what it meant that time is seriously precious and that I must make my moments and my relationships count. 

Yes, that’s more than everything.

KEY TWO: Give Yourself Permission to Be Healthy. 

I’ve always been a healthy person. I eat (mostly) well, exercise, and keep a positive attitude. So, when this cancer thing came along, I didn’t know how to view myself. For me, the paradigm of a cancer patient was someone who appears visibly, terribly sick. Maybe dying. But by the grace of G-d I didn’t feel sick, I didn’t look sick, and I didn’t want to “be” sick. My brain was having major cognitive dissonance. I decided that I was still going to consider myself a healthy person. 

It took some mindful moxie to call myself healthy, especially after I started chemotherapy. My “monkey mind” was taunting me, asking me how I could possibly consider myself healthy, when in my body I had more ports than a horny sailor! One for the “Red Devil” chemo, and two others for breast reconstruction. How could I possibly call myself healthy when my bald head made me a dead ringer for Elmer Fudd. And how could I possibly call myself healthy when, sadly, my once very voluptuous chest looked like a short stack order at Uncle Bill’s Pancake house.  Talk about a mind trip.

I’ll tell you how I called myself healthy; I gave myself permission! The first step was to recognize that other than cancer, I was healthy. I was “otherwise” healthy. This line of thinking gave me a laugh. (Cue the classic joke: “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?”)

Truth is, other than cancer, I was healthy. I reasoned it this way: When I got a cold, I didn’t see myself as a sick person, I saw myself as a healthy person with a cold. When I had IBS in high school and college, every emergency trip to the loo didn’t make me think of myself as a sick person. I saw myself as a healthy person who had these inconvenient incidents…. never mind that this made for a dating a nightmare. 

I decided to view cancer the same way. I refused to claim  the illness as my identity. I wasn’t a “sick person.” I was a healthy person—with a temporary medical detour.

To that end, I learned not to say that I have breast cancer. Instead, I say that I’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer. Don’t name it, don’t claim it. 

KEY THREE- Give Yourself Permission to Go on An Adventure

The way one looks at something can have a profound effect on the experience of that something. The philosopher Goethe famously stated, “The journey of discovery is not going to new places but seeing with new eyes.” A yoga teacher of mine once said, “It’s not what’s happening to you that’s important, it’s what you tell yourself is happening.” Positive psychologists talk about reframing.

I searched my mind to find a way to look at the situation with new eyes and to reframe what was happening to me in a positive way. I decided to reframe it as an adventure! 

An adventure carries with it the possibility of excitement! What was I going to find out about myself on this new, wild journey? What wonderful people would I meet? What new experiences would I encounter? Seeing my journey this way shifted me from victim to victor mentality. I got my power back!

This new, adventurer’s way of thinking changed my energy. Hopeful! Expectant! I wasn’t just surviving—I was thriving. It was a chance to up my learning curve and go up the next rung of my evolutionary path, which, by the way, I’m farther along than most people, having never received my wisdom teeth. But I do have an L-6, which is kind of akin to a tail. So that’s a wash. 

By reframing my breast cancer diagnosis as an adventure, I was borrowing a page from Viktor Frankl’s seminal book, Man’s Search for Meaning , by finding meaning and purpose in the ordeal. I was also ripping out a page from Eleanor H. Porter’s book, Pollyanna’s and doing her “Glad Game.” I was in marvelous company with these two. I searched for silver linings, and I found them. 

I now look upon breast cancer as a beautiful gift bequeathed to me from the universe. Through it, I’ve been graced with the opportunity to help others find a positive and optimistic way of adjusting and coping with breast cancer through my book, Bonjour Breast Cancer~ I’m Still Smiling! Wit, Wisdom and Optimism for Beating the Breast Cancer Blues, lectures, and posts.  I’ve had the gift of modeling for my kids a critical lesson on how life can hand you a curve ball and you don’t have to fall to pieces. I’ve felt the steep love and caring of family and friends. I’ve learned, like the line in the beautiful poem Alicante by Jacques Prevert, “the present of the present.” I’ve learned to savor present moments deeply. I’ve learned the sustaining nature of enthusiasm for dreams and goals. I’ve learned the depth and breadth of my resilience, and the understanding that no matter what comes at me in the future, I’m gonna deal. 

And… let’s be real, there’s something kind of glam about rocking an Hermes headscarf like a mysterious European heiress.

To our health! To life! To the gift! ✨👑💖

Royally yours with love,

Princess Diane Von Brainisfried

x♥x♥x♥,

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Dame Diane Uniman, Aka Princess Diane von Brainisfried, is an attorney turned motivational speaker, certified positive psychology life coach and award-winning writer.  She wrote Bonjour, Breast Cancer-I’m Still Smiling…Wit, Wisdom, and Optimism for Beating the Breast Cancer Blues.